Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ruan Jing Tian, more commonly known to the kapuso as Ethan Ruan, the smoldering hero of hit Taiwanese telenovela Fated to Love You.
Ethan first entered our lives when my wife, Cathy, was lent a DVD copy of Fated to Love You by her friend Sally. Cathy soon fell in love with the series, and completed the 20+ episode Taiwanese telenovela within a matter of days.
She soon learned that Ethan had another TV series, My Queen, which she then spent time watching online. (She also tried watching A Game About Love, another series featuring Joe Chen, Fated to Love You‘s female lead, but it didn’t appeal to her.)
The past few months have been Robert Pattinson this, Robert Pattinson that. The past three weeks have been Ethan Ruan this, Ethan Ruan that. (Well, not completely; she also crushed on Baron Chen, who played Dylan in Fated to Love You, but I guess she couldn’t overcome the similarities to F4’s Jerry Yan.)
Ethan Ruan is the complete physical antithesis of everything I’m not. He’s lanky; I’m not. He’s thin; I’m not. He’s got a jawline that can cut glass; I don’t. There was a time when I had some element of a jawline, and when my body wasn’t well, all, puffed-up like a butete. Witness to wit, a picture so old, it’s hazy, of a time when I could compete:
But now I’m middle-aged and fat. How do I compete with Ethan Ruan now?
Only one solution.
We must kill Ethan Ruan.
Or we could lose weight…
No, we kill Ethan Ruan! I’ll grab the razor he holds in this photo and slit his throat! (Yeah, what a photo, right? Lord, bakit ako tumaba? Baket?! Answer ni Lord: “Kumain ka ng husto, e.”)
Or we could just indulge Cathy until she moves on to the next temporary object of affection infatuation desire her eye. Truth is, she’s the most loyal woman on Earth, and she loves me, flab and all. (It helps there is no female equivalent for me. Especially since my former GF Eliza Dushku was caught sucking face with Rick Fox. Yuck, girl.) She may think Rob and Ethan are cuties, but she still goes home with me. Take that, Lucas Ethan. Wu Shuang Cathy chose me! She chose me!