On February 25, 2008, one of my best friends, Jay Tan, joined our Heavenly Dad. On April 4, his family and friends celebrated his 40th day. (I’m not exactly sure why we do this. Is it rooted in Catholic theology? Can someone tell me?) So I joined my very good college friends Danny, his girlfriend Michelle, and Mic, for the celebration at his home.

The first thing I thought to myself upon reentering the Tan residence was this: Wow, how often am I going to visit this place now? While I spent a lot of time there in the course of Jay’s and my almost decade long friendship, I’m not exactly sure how to feel about going there now that he’s gone. Unlike Mic and Danny, who were really tight with his family, I was just, well, Ganns, the guy who writes songs with Jay and takes him to the car wash.

Anyway, I came in and saw his urn. It was this white marble jar-type thing, and it was elegant and beautiful. On top of it, a rosary. Beside it, para hindi naman lumampas ng langit si Jay - ay, teka, nanjan na pala siya - were cigarettes and chocolate. I put a lollipop on top of his urn as a present from Nathan.

Of all the strange things to happen, I then ran into Architect Rose Marie Bautista, former dean of the DLS-College of Saint Benilde’s School of Design and Arts. Architect Bautista and I worked together for five years before I left DLS-CSB; she retired soon afterward. She was looking extremely well, and was there because she and Jay’s mother, Tita Evelyn, were schoolmates at Saint Theresa’s. (Lord, I hope I got their school name right.)

Shortly afterward, I sat down with Mic, Danny, and Michelle. Jay and I used to poke fun at Danny and Michelle, he for his awful singing voice and she for being taciturn verging on wallflower. Now that Jay was gone, I sure as heck wasn’t going to heckle Michelle alone, so I resigned myself to liking her. Hahaha. Truth be told, I think she’s perfect for Danny. (Of course, if Jay were here, we’d both laugh at their expense.)

After dinner, we escaped to Jay’s room. It was eerily clean. (His last few days had him confined there, so naturally, it had to be kept in immaculate condition so he wouldn’t get infections and stuff.) His DVD collection was still there, his magazines, his colognes. It was as if he’d just stepped out to smoke a cig on his balcony, or head off to the radio station for a Saturday night gig.

We were there reminiscing about our times with Jay - no tears, thank God! - when Danny and Mic announced they brought along the DSWS logbooks. I begged Danny to get them so we could reminisce further, and for thirty goshawful minutes, we were taken back to a time of innocence and virginity. (Well, at least for me.) The highlight for me, of course, was the comic series I created titled Kelvin and Rob, a spoof of Calvin and Hobbes, in which Jay featured prominently.

The night ended with us going our separate ways, and I drove home in silence. Upon my arrival at home, it was then that the floodgates opened. Heaven had Jay, and now, Mic, Danny, Michelle and I have each other. I said a quick prayer for the three of them, and asked Jay to keep an eye out for us. It was time to let go, and that night, I did my best to do so.

Mic, Danny and Ganns

Four days ago, I visited a modeling agency as part of a casting call for a television commercial. I was told they were looking for chinito-looking men to play a dad. I figured, hey, I’m chinito, and I’m a dad, nothing to lose, right?

Well, I lost. Or at least, I think I lost.

The minute I stepped through those doors, I knew I was in for a rough time. I promised myself I’d walk in and be friendly and confident, and I was. It’s just that the male receptionist looked me up and down with this look of disdain on his face, and when the female receptionist came in, she spoke to me as if I were the last person on Earth who would get this job. (Which I probably was.)

Well, regardless, I was there, so I decided to push through with it. The lady receptionist called me into this room - she actually just said my name out loud, without really coming to get me - where she would shoot my VTR. After a few questions, she took the full shots, and I knew my prospects weren’t good when she panned the full-body shot and smirked. They had tons of beautiful people working there; I was some Joe off the street who thought he had what it took to at least play a role he essayed daily in real life.

I was determined to walk out of there with dignity, which I did. After I exited the agency, I walked to my car and comforted myself with the thought that while I may never be a star in the media sense of the word, I was a star to God. God told me in Jeremiah, “before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you a prophet to the nations” (Jer 1:5).

God knew me well before this receptionist, before Cathy, before I knew myself. I am important to Him, and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I may not meet the standards of these commercial makers, but in the eyes of God, I am a star.

God, You’re awesome. Thanks for loving me. You rock my world, Lord, yeah, You do.

Lately, Cathy and I have been making the effort to come home as early as we can. This involves my leaving my office at the Makati church I work for, at the stroke of 5PM, then rushing to fetch Cathy from the Philippine design school she works for - I get there usually between 6PM to 615PM, depending on the traffic from AKIC, which houses the Philippine HRIM school she also does work for, to Saint Scholastica’s College. As soon as I fetch Cathy, we take Quiapo into Dangwa, then head towards Banawe. We’re home by 7PM on average.

Leaving the house anytime between 7AM to 730AM, we hardly get to see our children. So the time we have in the evenings are precious to us. Nathan has dinner with us, then we head upstairs for precious time with Nicki before she falls asleep. (Nathan usually joins us during this time.) We then spend a little more time with Nathan before he goes to bed. By this time, it can be anywhere between 9PM - 930PM, then Cathy and I spend about 30 minutes or so, not usually more than an hour, before we go to bed ourselves.

Given the amount of time it takes to travel from Caloocan to Makati, why stick to this grueling schedule? It’s important because Cathy and I value our family and our time together. It may mean a fewer minutes’ sleep - for me, admittedly, because I’m usually up by 430AM because Nicki wakes up at that time and that’s my private prayer time with God anyway, so Nicki’s got a holy floor show - but it’s worth it. I also spend my freelance time in the mornings so it doesn’t take away time from my wife and kids. (They’re asleep right now.)

The Bible tells us to train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Pro 22:6 KJV). Training a child is more than just instruction; what our kids see will become the ultimate example. So we show our kids we value them and honor them, and try to live a life of integrity so they learn not by rote but by example.

We’re not perfect parents - far from it! - but I’m convinced that if two parents are united in their stand to make time for their children, time that is not just quantity but quality, the results in the form of God-fearing, polite, respectful children, will speak for themselves.

Last night, I checked into Saint Luke’s Medical Center for a midnight operation that no one knew about except Cathy. I had gastric bypass surgery.

Inspired by the success of many celebrities who’ve had gastric bypass surgery, including Carnie Wilson and Randy Jackson, I decided to give up on the natural way of losing weight - exercise and diet? Bah! - and get thin the quick, albeit expensive way. So after hours of surgery, I’m now here in the hospital recuperating. There’s WiFi here, so I’m able to blog. My stomach hurts like heck, but it’s a small price to pay to look the way I used to look back in college.

Cathy was there for the operation, and took photos. They’re pretty gruesome, but if you’re interested in seeing what happens during gastric bypass surgery, click Read More to go after the jump. Read more

I’m still not over Jay Bounce’s death. Cathy says I’ve gone past denial, anger, and bargaining, and now into acceptance, but this morning, on the way to work, the facade didn’t take, and I found myself once again fighting back tears. Jay would’ve hated me moping like this, but last night - Danny, Mic, S, Cathy and myself celebrating Jay’s legacy at Tazza Cafe, one of our favorite hangouts - really stuck it to me. Hard.

Jay loved being a DJ - it wasn’t lucrative, he just did it for the love of the music - and I want to honor him with these words. I know it’s hard letting go, but I think it’s also healthy to know that Jay lives on in my heart and the hearts of all the people he’s touched.

I love ya, Big Guy. I know you’ll always be there.

ANYTIME (I AM THERE)
Deborah Gibson

Anytime you laugh, anytime you cry
Anytime you hear a sound
When you’re on the grass, lying on the ground
Anytime you wash your hands, I’ll be around
I’ll be there on the baseball field
Though I’m well concealed
I’ll be out there cheering
I’ll be there in the books you read
It is guaranteed
I’m not disappearing fast anytime
No, not anytime

And I am there each morning
I am there each fall
I am present without warning
And I’m watching it all
Yes, I’m watching it all

Oh, and I am there in music
I am there in the sky
I don’t know why this thing did happen
But this much is clear
Anytime or anywhere
I am there

Anytime you pray, anytime you fight
Anytime you’ve gained a pound
Anytime it’s day, anytime it’s night
Anytime the earth moves, I’ll be around
I’ll be there in the maple trees
I am summer breeze on a perfect evening
I’ll be there when you celebrate
When the world seems great, I’ll be waiting by your side
Anytime, yes, anytime

And I am there each morning
I am there each fall
I am present without warning
And I’m watching it all
Yes, I’m watching it all

Oh, and I am there in flowers
I am there in snow
I don’t know why this thing happened
But this much is clear
Anytime you cry, anytime you sing
For anything…

I am there each morning
I am there each fall
I don’t know why this thing did happen
But this much is clear
Be aware I am there
I am there
I am there
I am there…

I am there
I am there
I am there…

I know you’re there, Jay. Godspeed.

Thanks to all those who’ve sent birthday text messages and email greetings. I love you guys for all your support and well wishes.

Sandy was joined in heaven yesterday afternoon by one of my best friends. John Julian Mendoza Tan III - his full name is forever etched into my memory - died yesterday afternoon. Jay was only 32. In honor of his friendship, I’d like to dedicate my birthday post to him. (Please forgive the lack of eloquence; it’s hard when you can’t see the keyboard through your tears and a million thoughts are rushing through your head. I am typing this as the thoughts come in, and I will leave them unedited. I know Jay wouldn’t mind.)

Jay was like a brother to me, in times even more so. Jay and I shared a special bond because we were so alike. We had a love of music that few others could understand - we were the Spice Boys before Migs Zubiri and his other desert-dry cohorts decided to steal the name, and we would dance Wannabe in the Colayco hallways and didn’t give a darn - and that brought us close together. We were both big guys, and we knew well the hurt and heartache that shallow college life could bring.

Jay went out of his way to make all of us feel so welcome. He was this huge guy so full of love and joy, and it showed in everything he did. He was just so… Jay, with his booming voice and his love for life. His heart of service was so big and full of love - he was a member of the Department of Student Welfare and Services, and he founded an organization in Ateneo that catered to educating children with special needs - and he touched the lives of everyone he met.

In junior year, Jay shifted courses to English Literature and joined me and nine others in the course.(Neither he nor I really loved literature, but we thought it would help us write music.) While he and I slogged it through the two years to finish the course, we lived the hope and dream that someday we would have careers in music. I started out first, landing a part-time DJ job, but he eventually got a bigger job at a bigger station, and both of us were ecstatic for each other. We collaborated on a couple of songs, and he actually had this envelope of songs he just scribbled down and wrote - mostly for this girl who he never stopped loving - which a few months before his passing I finally transcribed into soft copy format for him to use.

I was the “G-Spot” to his “Round Mound of Sound.” I was not his best friend - that privileged honor belongs to someone who rushed to the hospital and missed him by moments, and I cannot fathom his grief at not making it on time - but Jay touched my life in a deep way that few others really could, and I can only hope he felt similarly about me. Even now, its almost 7AM and the tears still haven’t stopped. I haven’t hurt like this since my father died - and the tears are more copious, which is telling, I think and realize now, because I’ve lost someone very very very dear to my heart. I can’t wait until I hear his voice again, and until we sing again - yes, even with Bill and Danny’s off-key wimoweh’s messing up the background vocal - in heaven.

The last time I saw him, Cathy and I brought some books to his home for him to read. One of the books was Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays With Morrie. You think there will still be time to spend together, you think you’ve got so much, but it can all disappear in the blink of an eye. Like Albom to his teacher, Morrie, I have learned so much from Jay in our much-too-short time together. I didn’t think it would end so soon, and my heart is tearing apart in grief.

Last night, his mother told me that when Jay and I were making music together, playing on that rinkydink piano in their home, it was ‘heaven to him.’ Yes, it was heaven to me, too. Two guys, making music.

I can’t believe he’s gone. I just can’t. I keep hoping this is a bad dream, that Jay will give me a call and ask when we’re going to Tazza to get my car washed, but it’s never gonna happen. This can’t be happening. Not on my birthday. Please, God, not on my birthday!

Okay, take a deep breath.

This Saturday, Jay’s mom has asked me to sing one of the songs we wrote together. I’m not sure which one; I’m even thinking of writing a song for him. One thing is for sure: I am going to treat this like the performance of my life. I’m not even sure how I’ll get through it, but I’m gonna. For Jay. For our Jay Bounce, our Round Mound of Sound.

I am grateful to God for having brought Jay into my life, and into the lives of countless others. He was an angel on Earth, and he will be a spectacular angel in heaven, watching over those he loves. Jay, my beloved beloved friend, please keep watch over your inaanak, Nathan - isama mo na rin si Nicki, tutal, your arms can fit all the folks you love - and when we see each other, I promise the first thing we’ll do is sing and dance. The Lion Sleeps Tonight, Wannabe, Say You’ll Be Mine, whatever song you want. I honestly cannot wait. I love ya, big guy. Til we meet again.

Here are links to Jay’s other friends who’ve written about his passing or tributes to him:

• In Memoriam: John Julian M. Tan III
• Life in Perspective (Part 1 of 2)
• Life in Perspective (Part 2 of 2)
• Finishing Last: An Old Post by Jay Tan on A Spoonful of Sugar)
• Bye, Jay Tan (shout out to me, too, thanks, Anj, I wuv you)
• The Brotherhood
• Jay Tan’s Songs
• RIP Jay Tan
• Goodbye Big Brother Jay Bounce
• What I Never Got to Say to My Buddy Jay
• In Memory: John Julian “JBounce” Tan III
• In Memoriam: Jay Tan (1975-2008)
• Remembering Jay
• When a dear, dear friend dies
• Goodbye Jay
• Visiting Jay
• John Julian “Jay” Tan III aka Bounce
• In Memoriam: John Julian “Jay” Tan
• Lasting Inspiration (no permalink; use searchbox)
• Bye Jay (thanks for the shout-out, Pau)
• In Memoriam: John Julian M. Tan III, 1975-2008
• For Jay: What I Should’ve Said at the Eulogy
• Jay Tan, 1975-2008
• Goodbye my friend
• Today life

Please feel free to send me links if you have more.

My half-brother Sandy was murdered last week. The entire family is in shock. My mother and Cathy, in particular, are extremely disturbed about the circumstances surrounding his death - I, for one, am not very pleased with the Sun Star article - and we’re just in a total state of denial right now.

Sandy was a very sensitive soul. He was extremely talented and so incredibly funny. He had so much life in him, and I can’t imagine why anyone would want to hurt someone like him. Well, I’m sure he, Freddie, and Dad are probably enjoying themselves right now up in heaven. Sandy! Of all people…!

It’s very hard to concentrate on work. It’s extremely hard to focus. Meanwhile, I hope the Cebu City police will find who did this to Sandy and bring them to justice. If it doesn’t work out, my God is a God of justice, and He will give those men their due in the next life.

Update: Here’s a guestbook Sandy’s classmates have set up in his memory (thank you, Phil), and here’s an update on his case dated 02/24/08.

Update: Our townhouse is now being rented out. Please check back here once in a while for updates on our other properties.

Our townhouse in Las Pinas is now available for rent for only P8,000/month.

Cathy and I are renting out our townhouse in Las Pinas City. If you’re looking to rent a house in Las Pinas, please take a look at our Las Pinas townhouse, situated in private, safe subdivision Royal South Subdivision, only ten minutes away from SM Southmall and other exciting places along the Zapote area.

There is a parking slot in front of the house, and there are no problems with water and electricity. There is a small monthly association fee to ensure the security of the subdivision.

Our asking price for our Las Pinas City townhouse for rent is P8000/month. Terms are one month advance and two months deposit, refundable a month after termination of contract. Please email us at superblessed at gmail dot com or call 0917-884-2667. Photos here (note: furniture belongs to previous tenant. Tenants provide their own furniture).

I have several blog entry drafts, and not a single one published! I don’t know if it’s the stress of the work turnover at the best company in the world before I start work at the church in Makati for which I’ll be working starting March, but I’ve just been so blah lately. This is the longest I’ve gone without making a single blog entry in ANY of my almost two dozen blogs. Gah.

Or maybe God’s just holding back on the creativity so I can focus on Sunday service today at the Greenhills church. It’s gonna be awesome.

Anyway, I pray a restful weekend for all of you, and that God speaks signs and wonders to restore, revitalize, and refresh your faith. Be superblessed!

My home church in Taguig, Victory Christian Fellowship - Fort Bonifacio, recently offered me a full-time position as a Communications Officer. This job is something I am looking forward to with much anticipation, I kid you not. I am literally shaking with excitement for it. It’s an honor and a privilege to serve God full-time in His house!

I have so many fond memories of this Taguig church (which is, by the way, the church that planted the VCF Greenhills church in Greenhills that Cathy and I now attend and in which I serve in the music ministry team). As part of their staff, well, I can only imagine the events and projects of which I am going to be a part, events and projects that will honor God and make disciples.

Wow. God be praised.

Full details here on my personal journal.

What do you say about taking chances?