Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity. One learns how to be a man from another man.
Author John Eldredge’s Wild At Heart, which I’ve recently finished, produced this gem of a statement. I have to admit Wild At Heart took me by surprise. The first time I’d read it, I was offended on a variety of levels; the second go-through, however, found me agreeing with some of the concepts. At some points, I was actually moved to tears as I saw the parallels between my life and that described by Eldredge sorely in need of healing.
Eldredge writes that many men who struggle with their flawed image of masculinity do so because they are unable to deal with “the wound,” which is how Eldredge refers to the hurt in a man’s psyche caused, intentionally or unintentionally, by their fathers and/or father figures. In my case, I knew my father loved me, but I was in need of attention, which I did not quite receive. That may explain why my love language is “words of affirmation”; I long for my father’s approval and his presence in my life. (Obviously, that’s not going to be happen, because he’s gone.)
Even before reading Wild At Heart, I knew that only God would truly be able to help heal me of all the wounds and resentments that come with being raised by a father who couldn’t really give me the time and attention I (and my brother) desperately wanted. For the most part, I’m okay, but I live under the constant worry that my Nathan may turn out like me, a little soft, a little wet behind the ears, a little too sheltered, a little too nice.
Masculinity is about 1) having an adventure to life; 2) a battle to fight; and 3) a beauty to rescue. My life has gotten to the point where I have none of all three: my life is predictable and safe, and my wife, while undoubtedly beautiful, has done more than her fair share of rescuing me (I am convinced she’s saved me a lot more than I’ve saved her).
Eldredge writes that men need an “initiation,” that drawn-out process that allows us to see what it means to be a man, and to mirror that. Within our hearts, boys been programmed to be a little reckless, a little rough, a little danger-hungry. I’ve had those desires when I was younger, but somewhere along the way, I lost them. I’m 32 years old today, and I doubt “dangerous,” “masculine,” and “manly” would be in any one’s list of adjectives describing me.
Why am I so concerned about my masculinity? Well, for one, I’m getting more and more concerned with how I’m representing Christ; it’s not about conforming to set ideals about how one should conduct oneself as a Christian, but rather, ensuring that no one is led to sin (e.g., gossiping or wondering about one’s sexuality) because of my actions. Yes, I’m coming out and saying it: I’m very concerned about people thinking I’m gay, because it is not good for me as a Christian ambassador when people gossip – incorrectly – about me. It also has the potential to affect my wife and my family; I am very concerned about the future generations that are affected by this otherwise flawed sense of masculinity. I’ve stifled my son’s first six years of desire for adventure, and I am determined to right that wrong. (No matter what other people say, I believe that quantity time IS quality time.)
I’m working on my relationship with God daily, and working my salvation out day by day. Meanwhile, I’ll be frank: I want more guy friends. I’m not talking about a couple of brusko guys who can go play basketball or billiards with me or go running on Saturdays, or “men’s men” who’ll watch The Godfather with me. I’m talking about strong godly husbands who can speak into my marital relations; I’m talking about dads who prioritize their kids and have great parenting methods they can share; I’m talking about men who are not afraid to lift their hands in worship, but are not afraid to also speak up if they see something that needs correction.
Actually, you know what? We all need men like that. We all are looking for men like that. And with accountability and God in the center of our relationships, we can all become men like that. Who’s with me?
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“…I’m not talking about a couple of brusko guys who can go play basketball or billiards with me or go running on Saturdays, or “men’s men” who’ll watch The Godfather with me. I’m talking about strong godly husbands who can speak into my marital relations; I’m talking about dads who prioritize their kids and have great parenting methods they can share; I’m talking about men who are not afraid to lift their hands in worship, but are not afraid to also speak up if they see something that needs correction.”
Bull’s eye!!! Say that to a lot of MEN in church. Almost all will not disagree. In fact, a few of the leaders will say that MEN have to act and behave like MEN. Sad to say, all for show! Worse, some will use this as a license to PUNCH their wives around… I know of a wife who is intellectual superior than the husband. The husband will always throw tantrums just to mask his insecurities and to show who’s the boss. Went thru a series of counseling. Ang advice kuno, the husband is the head, wives have no choice but to submit to the husband. Huh?! They’re still together. Sorry, but this is beneath my comprehension.
A man who respects his wife for everything that she is, is a real man.
“…and I doubt “dangerous,” “masculine,” and “manly” would be in any one’s list of adjectives describing me.”
What’s the problem? I don’t see anything wrong here. Me too. And I would loved being described as “stupid”, “moron”, “imbecile”, than “masculine”, “manly”.
“…Yes, I’m coming out and saying it: I’m very concerned about people thinking I’m gay, because it is not good for me as a Christian ambassador when people gossip – incorrectly – about me.”
I don’t see why you should be concerned about this, when you know you’re not one. What you’re saying may be true. But you might end up desperately trying to please others (for Christ, you may say)… too sad. A lot of times, people think I’m gay. Instead of denying, I would admit BOLDLY that I AM, although I know I’m not. All the time, that would be enough to silence them. Funny, the more I admit, the more they’re sure that I’m not.
Careful there, tiger; you’re missing the point. The rationale for one’s watching one’s actions is not out of pleasing others, but rather to please God. It is not God-pleasing for a man to act in an effeminate manner, whether one is gay or not. The whole adage that “one should be true to what one is” is a dangerous statement: it implies that one is aware of what one is. If someone never cast a vision of godly masculinity (manhood, manliness, whatever terms you want to use, to describe what it means to be a godly man) on someone else, that someone is going to search for that identity somewhere else, and it’s never going to be complete, and it’s never going to be accurate. (For instance, the feminine can never cast a vision of masculinity, because the feminine was never masculine to begin with; it’s blind leading blind.) That’s the whole point of masculinity bestowing masculinity; it takes a masculine man to set an example for the next generation of masculine men.
Furthermore, I strongly encourage you NOT to declare that you are gay, especially if you are not, just because you want to end a discussion. There is power in the tongue; it has the power to wound, like a double-edged sword. When a father speaks to his son, “you are useless,” “you are not a man,” “you’re a mama’s boy,” and the like, he literally curses the son; it can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Defend your masculinity; defend your manhood; defend your God who has created you in His image and likeness!
Moreover, I have a lot of gay friends who has more balls (pardon the term) than their “masculine” brothers/relatives. A number of them would take up the responsibility of raising up their nephews and nieces because the guys abandon the responsibility. I have the most respect for these friends of mine.
I have full respect for anyone who is responsible and compassionate, regardless of their sexual orientation.
Bottom line is, do you know who you are?
There was never any doubt who I was; it was always just an issue of living up to my fullest potential in Christ.
Thanks for the reply. A tall order but necessary nonetheless. If only all MEN would think and behave the way we do… I rest my case.
I’m a dad with a young son and I take this subject seriously. Men today are being emasculated and losing sight of what true manliness is. I noticed in the Philippines how mainstream “kabaklaan” is- just look at the entertainment industry.
True masculinity differs from the cultural depiction of it as rugged, “matinik sa chicks” and “brusco.” In fact masculinity comes forth out of weakness, when we submit our will and strength to Christ.
Bottom line is man becomes manly in relationships, beginning with our holy father. Refinement occurs through our relationship with other Godly men. In turn empowerment from God and men will enable us to influence and model true masculinity to others, especially to our sons.
Hear hear! Thanks for sharing, Jason.
Hi Ganns!
Again, another great read from you. I am a fan of John Eldredge when I first read this book about two years ago as recommended by some guy friends. This made me understand men’s nature – something which is far, far different from us, women.
Thank you!
Wow, thank you for your kind words, Marix! :*) It’s hard enough trying to figure myself out, much less trying to figure women out. LOL
Have a great week!